Not a Word
by TotallyLegitPsychic
Summary: Dan comes home to an extremely unwanted surprise. Jerkshipping, but just a bit of fluff. One-shot.


**A/N: Well hello there. This is my first contribution to the Dandom on here, so be nice. Thanks to my lovely beta reader for putting up with me. **

The front door rattled in its frame as it was shut just a bit too firmly. Dan scowled at nothing in particular, kicking his shoes off and letting them land in a haphazard pile next to a small stack of old newspapers.

"The nerve of some people," he muttered to himself. He'd just gotten back from a movie with Chris, where the person in the seat next to him had somehow managed to spill her entire drink on Dan. Chris hadn't let him take his pants off in the car, so Dan had endured the entire ride home with an extremely uncomfortable wet spot that spanned most of his right leg. Dan wrinkled up his nose and removed his jeans, dropping them in a disheveled heap. It had to be at least eleven at night by now. The interior of the apartment was dim, and Dan had already tripped twice in a span of about thirty seconds.

Yawning, he headed towards the bedroom, tripping a third time on the way there. This time, the thing that he tripped over seemed very much alive, and it hissed indignantly.

"Aw, I'm sorry, Mr. Mumbles, but you need to watch where you're going," Dan said, scooping up the cat in his arms and nuzzling his nose against the top of her head. Finally, he made it into the bedroom with minimal casualties. Mr. Mumbles jumped down from his arms and began playing with a crumpled up piece of paper on the floor. Dan slid under the sheets on the bed and sighed. He turned over onto his side and found himself barely two inches away from bumping noses with a rather unexpected guest.

"Ahh!" Dan scooted back and fell off the bed. The air was knocked out of his lungs as he hit the floor. The other man was now peeking over the edge of the mattress, looking a bit too amused for Dan's liking. Dan recognized him immediately, leaping to his feet and jabbing his finger in his direction.

"You!" he said, letting his hand fall back to his side, where it was clenched into a tight fist. This was just great. Dan gritted his teeth and glared at his imposter, furious that he'd had the nerve to show up after all he had put Dan through.

"Hello, Dan. It's been a while." Dan* seemed all too calm about this whole situation, which infuriated Dan to no end.

"Don't you 'Hello, Dan' me! What do you think you're doing here?" Dan was trying really hard not to grab the lamp off the bedside table and beat Dan* senseless with it.

"Oh, I was just in the neighborhood, thought I'd stop by for a visit," Dan* replied nonchalantly.

"What!? It's practically midnight! And I don't know if you've noticed, but I hate you," Dan snapped.

"We both know that isn't true, Dan."

"Just get out of my apartment before I strangle you with the phone cord," Dan said. He reached over and gripped the telephone for emphasis.

"You're not going to strangle me," Dan* replied, laughing as he spoke despite the fact that Dan failed to see what was even remotely amusing about any of it. Dan glared at his smug counterpart, tightening his hold on the phone receiver.

"I will too!" Dan answered sharply, waving the receiver back and forth in front of Dan*.

"Stop that, Dan. You're acting like a child," Dan* chastised.

"You're a child!" Dan spat, slamming the receiver back down onto its rightful spot. For a moment, neither of them said anything. Dan just fumed silently for a few seconds, studying the impassive face of the identity thief.

"Why are you still here? Get out, jerkface!" Dan said after the silence had been stretched to the point of becoming awkward.

"Be nice, Dan. It isn't polite to call names." Dan* idly toyed with the edge of the sheet that was draped over his lap. It was brought to Dan's attention that at least the top half of Dan* was, for whatever reason, entirely devoid of clothing, and from the way he kept himself covered with the sheet, it was probably fairly safe to guess that his bottom half was, too. Dan found it infuriatingly easy to stare.

"Um...," Dan began, wondering whether or not he should ask about it. Going against his better judgement, he took the corner of the sheet and folded it back, instantly closing his eyes and shielding his face with his hand. Slowly, he moved his hand from his face and opened one eye.

"Ahh! Cover you eyes, Mr. Mumbles!" Dan said, snatching the cat up from where she still sat in the floor, batting at the wadded up paper. He gently placed a hand over her face, effectively blocking her view.

"What is wrong with you?" he snapped, turning his attention towards Dan*, who still seemed remarkably unfazed.

"Hmm. I imagined this going much better," Dan* replied. Dan honestly didn't think he even had a response for that. He grabbed the phone and dialed Chris's number, scowling darkly at Dan* as the phone rang.

"Hello?" Chris answered after what seemed like six eternities. He sounded like he had been asleep not thirty seconds ago.

"Chris, there is a naked man in my bedroom," Dan snapped by way of greeting. Dan* just looked incredibly amused.

"That's nice, Dan. Elise sort of figured that would happen eventually," Chris replied.

"What? No! Ew, not like that," Dan said, ignoring the fact that Dan* was now laughing at him.

"Look, Dan, it's the middle of the night. I don't know what's going on over there, but I'm going back to bed," Chris sighed sleepily. Dan distinctly heard Elise in the background asking who was on the phone.

"Dan. Who else? He says there's a naked man in his apartment," Chris answered her, his voice sounding muffled. Dan figured Chris had most likely covered the speaker with his hand in the hopes that Dan wouldn't be able to hear him. Elise laughed, and Dan found it extremely bothersome.

"Really? I told you," Elise said.

"Shut up!" Dan yelled into the phone, not entirely sure if Elise would hear him or not.

"Okay, goodnight, Dan," Chris said, and he hung up before Dan could protest.

"Very smooth, Dan," Dan* remarked.

"You have exactly five seconds to tell me why you don't have any pants on before I lobotomize you with a butter knife," Dan spat.

"You know, some people would have found this endearing," Dan* said. Dan's mouth fell open slightly, and he narrowed his eyes. He can't be serious, Dan thought as he continued to stare in disbelief. Dan* was grinning now, and Dan found it a bit unnerving.

"Why don't you just put on some pants, and we'll never talk about this ever again," Dan suggested. "Even better, how about we never talk about anything ever again?"

Dan* just laughed. By this point, Dan was strongly considering murder. Mr. Mumbles mewed and leapt from Dan's arms, landing nimbly on the bed. She rubbed against Dan*'s stomach, purring softly.

"Traitor," Dan accused, narrowing his eyes at her.

"Aw, she still likes me," Dan* cooed. He trailed his fingers down the cat's back and smiled. After a moment, he averted his attention to Dan. "If only I could say the same about you."

Despite his blatant distaste for the identity thief, Dan found himself blushing faintly. He was grateful for the lack of light in the room, as he was fairly certain he'd never live it down if Dan* saw.

"Just leave before I personally drag you out into the street." Dan crossed his arms and scowled.

"I don't think that's a very good idea, Dan. We really don't want to get arrested for public indecency, do we?" Dan* replied, a lopsided grin tugging at the corner of his mouth. As much as it infuriated Dan, he had a point. Dan let out a sharp breath, grabbed the pillow off the bed, and stormed out of the room.

"Goodnight," he snapped at Dan*. "I hope whatever's been living in the vents eats you." Hugging the pillow tightly to his chest, he made his way into the living room and sat down heavily on the sofa. He stretched out on his back and stuffed the pillow under his head. Sighing, he stared up at the ceiling. He tried to sleep, but he couldn't seem to keep his eyes shut. Some part of him seemed to almost feel a little bad about being so rude, and he rationalized it to himself by deciding it was only fair considering Dan* had stolen his identity, not to mention tried to ruin his life.

But Dan couldn't lie to himself. Dan* was attractive, almost infuriatingly so, and there was something about him that Dan found charming and-dare he say it-endearing in a way.

"Stupid feelings," Dan growled to himself. He tossed and turned on the sofa for a few more minutes, unable to relax. He was tormented by the fact that he felt something other than hatred towards the identity thief. What sort of person falls in love with someone like that? Evidently Dan. But love is such a strong word...

Before he even fully understood the reasoning behind his actions, Dan picked himself up from the sofa. The pillow dragged across the floor as he held it loosely at his side, trudging back to the bedroom. No matter how many times he told himself this was a stupid idea, he kept going. He could see the shadowy outline of Dan*'s figure, lying on his side and breathing steadily.

"Not a word," Dan demanded, laying down beside his counterpart and pulling the blanket up over himself. Despite the darkness and the fact that his eyes were closed, Dan knew the other man was smiling. "Say anything and I'll kill you."

Silence.

For once, Dan* didn't have some smug remark. At least, not one he said out loud. The bed was much more comfortable than the sofa, and Dan soon found himself slipping into unconsciousness. He was half-asleep when he felt an arm snake around his waist, but he was too tired to care to do anything about it.

"Goodnight, Dan-o." Dan*'s voice was much too close. He had to be barely an inch from Dan's ear. But surprisingly, Dan didn't mind. Instead of yelling or kicking or biting, he simply laid there and went to sleep.

And it was the best sleep he'd had in a long time.


End file.
